Seven lesbian movies that are so bad it’s scary
8/10/2022 for Klipsun Magazine
Every time I see a lesbian film on a streaming service, I think to myself, “Is this going to be soft-core porn or have the worst acting ever? Or both?”
Almost always, the answer is both.
Why is it so difficult to find a decent lesbian movie? Sure, a few gems are hidden in the mix, but the vast majority of them are garbage.
In 2018, 20 out of 110 films from major studios included a character that identified as LGBTQ+, according to a study conducted by GLAAD. Of those 20 films, only 11 featured lesbian characters.
As much as people love to say the world is progressing in the right direction, Hollywood still views lesbianism as a niche. A niche that straight men love a little too much. According to PornHub, “lesbian” was the second most viewed category in 2021.
Behold, a list of terrible movies that are so bad it’s scary, ranked best to worst — they’re all terrible though. Keep in mind, these are just my opinions, so if you see your favorite movie here … Sorry, but also yikes.
Spoilers ahead, duh!
7) “Kissing Jessica Stein” (2001)
Are the main characters played by queer actors? Nope.
Did a straight man direct the movie? Yep, Charles Herman-Wurmfeld is a straight man.
IMDb rating: 6.6/10
If biphobia was a movie, it would be “Kissing Jessica Stein.” The movie follows two women who find themselves dating each other: Jessica, a journalist who can’t find “Mr. Right,” and Helen, a promiscuous woman who wants to try out women. All Helen wants is sex with women and all Jessica wants is her douchebag boss — who also wants her. While the film has a promising storyline with some funny moments, the ending is downright offensive. Without giving too much away, it ends with Jessica realizing she’s straight.
My bisexual girlfriend was appalled.
6) “Ride or Die” (2021)
Are the main characters played by queer actors? I couldn’t find any information about Honami Satô (Nanae), but Kiko Mizuhara (Rei) revealed to NBC News that she has dated women.
Did a straight man direct the movie? Yep, his name is Ryūichi Hiroki and he has a history of directing pornos.
IMDb rating: 5.6/10
The story follows Rei — a *gasp* lesbian — and Nanae, two women on the run after Rei kills Nanae’s abusive husband. The storyline is downright unbelievable. Rei starts the movie in a happy and fulfilling relationship with another woman, and after 10 years of no contact with Nanae, she happily kills her husband. How am I supposed to believe they’re in love when they haven’t talked in years and when they barely interact beyond small talk in the flashback scenes? The movie is also filled with graphic sex scenes, but only one of them features two women. It feels as if the director was trying to acknowledge the hardships of LGBTQ+ people in Japan, but he barely scratched the surface. It’s an unorganized mess and it’s way too long.
5) “Jenny’s Wedding” (2015)
Are the main characters played by queer actors? Nope.
Did a straight man direct the movie? Nope, Mary Agnes Donoghue is a straight woman.
IMDb rating: 5.5/10
This is the movie that inspired me to create this list. I have watched it several times because I find Katherine Heigl’s acting to be hilarious — and not in a good way. Two women with extremely long nails and no chemistry at all decide they want to get married. The funny thing is, we barely see them together. The entire film is Heigl (Jenny) being super whiny to her family while “She Keeps Me Warm” by Mary Lambert plays over and over again. While some of Jenny’s anger is warranted, she says some very inappropriate things to get her point across. For example, in one scene Jenny yells about her dad wanting to know who straps it on. It was really unnecessary and gave a stereotypical view of lesbianism. The funniest part about this film is the fact that the creators thought it would be a massive success in the lesbian community. Heigl and the creator of the film, Mary Agnes Donoghue, made a video to raise funds for the movie, raving about the greatness of their project. They even invited a lesbian couple to talk about how they like to see lesbianism represented in film. I highly doubt they ever watched the movie because, as a lesbian, I don’t feel represented by this film at all.
4) “Elena Undone” (2010)
Are the main characters played by queer actors? Nope.
Did a straight man direct the movie? Nope, Nicole Conn is a lesbian.
IMDb rating: 6.0/10
I’m honestly not sure what happened here. The wife of a preacher who actively preaches against gay people starts hanging out with — gasp! — a lesbian.
This friendship turns into a porno. That’s all.
3) “The Guest House” (2012)
Are the main characters played by queer actors? IDK.
Did a straight man direct the movie? Yep, his name is Michael Baumgarten.
IMDb rating: 3.5/10
This movie is straight-up pornographic. The film follows Alice, an 18-year-old who’s about to go to college, and Amy, a recent college grad living in Alice’s family guest house while working for Alice’s father. Over the course of a weekend — that’s right, a weekend — they fall in love and have lots of sex all over Alice’s father’s home while he is away for “work” — all we see from this is him going to sleep with some random woman in a hotel room. I knew the direction of the movie within the first 10 minutes: Amy casually strips in front of Alice after their first meeting, and then we watch her take a shower. The acting resembles a porno, meaning the only purpose of the characters is to do the nasty over and over.
2) “Loving Annabelle” (2006)
Are the main characters played by queer actors? Nope.
Did a straight man direct the movie? Nope, Katherine Brooks is a straight woman.
IMDb rating: 6.3/10
This predatory mess follows a senator’s alternative and mischief-seeking daughter, Annabelle, who transfers to a Catholic boarding school where she falls in love with her poetry teacher. The movie is set up in a way where the viewer is forced to root for this terrible relationship. Teacher/student relationships aren’t okay and should not be normalized. I found the predatory gay person trope offensive because it’s one of the reasons many people are against homosexuality. The teacher’s boobs are also shown way too many times for no reason.
1) “Jack and Diane” (2012)
Are the main characters played by queer actors? Nope.
Did a straight man direct the movie? Yep, his name is Bradley Rust Gray.
IMDb rating: 4.4/10
A little ditty about Jack and Diane:
Just kidding, this is nothing like John Mellencamp’s song. This atrocity follows two 18-year-olds living and loving in New York City. Jack is your stereotypical butch lesbian who likes to skate and have sex with many women. Diane is a British girl who gets disgustingly drippy nosebleeds — they literally form massive puddles every single time. Apparently, the movie is about a werewolf, but it’s hard to pinpoint how and who is involved. The only clues we’re given are weird hair-filled scene transitions that made me want to vomit. I honestly have no idea what I watched, but I didn’t like it at all.
Watching these movies took me a total of 11 hours and 56 minutes. As I endured the pain of going through each story, I couldn’t help but feel concerned about how poor representation will shape people’s attitudes towards queer women. By producing subtly homophobic stories where lesbian relationships are fetishized, these movies fail to tell relatable stories — stories about people, not a PornHub category.